I'm going to start things off with a little walk down memory lane. Throw your minds back to mid 2012, a simpler time, if you will. Picture little 17 year old Laura, working part time in a book shop - a mind full of wonder, innocence, and hopes for a better world; hair probably tied back with a white ribbon. Am I over doing it? Perhaps, but bear with me.
Always keen for a good book and with an urge to be well read, I consulted the New York Times best seller list in my break to see what should be my next read. "50 Shades of Grey", I thought, brow furrowed as I read, "That's funny. I think we've got that book on the front counter". Alas, we did, and I picked it up, reading the blurb. It didn't sound too bad, the book was on sale - my date with destiny was set - and so I purchased it after my shift, and headed home, my fate sealed with a book that would soon be breaking records world wide.
I am sure you are no stranger to the 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon - you've possibly read it, you're probably going to see the movie - and because of this, I'm also sure that you're no stranger to the controversy that has surrounded this series. People often roll their eyes when others speak out about this series celebrating domestic violence. "No", they say, a condescending smile on their face (and quite often an eye roll), "It's BDSM. Have you heard of that before?"
Trust me, if I had no idea what BDSM was before I read 50 Shades, I sure do now.
However, it's not BDSM that people have an issue with. According to the BDSM community, in fact, 50 Shades of Grey does not portray BDSM accurately at all. The main issue that a lot of people, myself included, have with the books is that they celebrate and normalise emotional abuse to such an extent that it is considered romantic. Domestic violence all too often is emotional - bullying, stopping the partner from seeing their friends, causing fear in the minds of the victim to the point that their entire life revolves around their abuser.
Emotional abuse is just as dangerous as physical violence because the signs are so much easier to hide. There are no bruises or scars that need to be covered up, but the damage is still there.
Clare Phillipson, director of Wearside Women in Need, a domestic violence charity, highlights that the problem with this book series is that it endorses the ideas that many men exploit to keep women in an abusive relationship: "that you can heal this broken man, that if you just love him enough and take his shit enough, he will get better".
Here are a few examples of quotations from the book that show that this kind of relationship is anything but okay. You can find some of these quotations on movie posters here - they're pretty powerful.
""Alaska is very cold and no place to run. I would find you. I can track your cell phone - remember?""
""No, please. I can't do this, not now. I need some time. Please." "Oh Ana, don't overthink this.""
""You need to learn to manage my expectations. I am not a patient man." He'd probably like to beat seven shades of shit out of me. The thought is depressing."
It's funny, because while I definitely was a bit unsettled when I read the book, it normalises this relationship to such an extent that it makes it seem okay. It turns domestic violence into a love story, and romanticises the controlling and stalking so much that millions of women (and men) have flocked to the cinemas for the chance to see some sex and a tonne of abuse - wow, what a way to spend Valentine's Day.
50 Shades of Grey is definitely not the first, and sadly won't be the last, element of pop-culture that celebrates the abuse and exploitation of women. Cast your minds back to "Blurred Lines", the horrendously catchy song with the horrendously awful message about how he "know(s) you want it". Or maybe Grand Theft Auto - while I've never played any of the video games in this series, I've heard about how it celebrates the rape of women.
Why is this acceptable? Why is it that women are finding 50 Shades of Grey so romantic? We're a clever bunch - we're not getting sucked in by the abuse, it's something else. Is it the mysteriousness? Is it how Christian showers Ana with gifts? The sex?
But why is this book so 50 Shades of Wrong?
Because Ana loves him out of his moods. Ana loves him out of (some) of his abuse. And in real life, men like Christian Grey, the man that we're all supposed to be swooning over; the man who is supposed to be the equivalent of a Greek god in the 21st century, never change.
So when you go to pick up the book or pay for your movie ticket, think about whether or not emotional violence is something you really want to be endorsing. Think about how this movie normalises an abusive relationship that at times, borders on stalking (and other times is definitely stalking). Instead of spending your money on the movie, donate it to a domestic violence shelter. Alternatively, have a night in with friends; buy $14 worth of chocolate (it'll get you further in Kmart than anywhere else); go to see a different movie; or burn your money and use it to keep you warm in winter.
Do it for yourself, do it for the movement against domestic violence. In the 21st century, we cannot let domestic violence be glamourised like has been in this movie. 1/3 women and 1/4 men have been victims of domestic violence - let's not do them a disservice by turning their ordeal into a love story.
And finally, a message from 17 year old Laura who was absolutely traumatised when she realised it wasn't a vampire story like she originally thought - abuse aside, the book was pretty crap anyway.
